Goodbye HELL-O June 11, 2009
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Real Article! – Texas town says goodbye to “hello”
KINGSVILLE, Texas (AP) – In this friendly little ranching town, “hello” is wearing out its welcome. And Leonso Canales Jr. is happy as heck.
At his urging, the Kleberg County commissioners on Monday unanimously designated “heaven-o” as the county’s official greeting. The reason: “hello” contains the word “hell.”
“When you go to school and church, they tell you ‘hell’ is negative and ‘heaven’ is positive,’” said the 56-year-old Canales, who owns the Kingsville Flea Market. “I think it’s time that we set a new precedent, to tell our kids that we are positive adults.”
The new salutation, according to the county resolution, is a “symbol of peace, friendship and welcome” in this “age of anxiety.”
On Thursday, courthouse employees were answering the phones, “heaven-o.” And the chamber of commerce was working on a campaign promoting Kingsville, a Rio Grande Valley town of 25,000, as a “heavenly” place to visit.
“People seem to think that it might catch on,” said county Judge Pete De La Garza.
Not everyone is a convert to Kleberg County’s heavenly ways. Madolyn Musick, who runs a bookstore, insisted, and linguists would agree, that “hello” has nothing to do with “hell.” Besides, she added, “What’s wrong with, ‘Howdy, y’all?’”
Canales, a Catholic but not a regular churchgoer, has been as serious as heck about “hello” since 1988, when he told his brother he might start greeting people with “God-o.” His brother suggested “heaven-o” instead.
David Sabrio, a professor of English at Texas A&M University-Kingsville, noted that the Oxford English Dictionary says “hello” stems from an old German greeting for hailing a boat.
“Linguistically and historically, the word ‘hello’ has no connection at all with what we associate with the underworld,” he said. “People may make that connection in their own mind. I certainly don’t.”
TIME TRAVEL VOLUNTEER DISPROVES BUTTERFLY EFFECT November 8, 2008
Posted by Chris in news.Tags: 2004, ashton kutcher, butterfly, Butterfly effect, cow, crazy, dolphin, fly, funny, future, insect, movie, past, present, professor, sea, stripper, study, theory, time travel, timeless
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Prof. Hubert Zimmerman of the Institute for Better Science & Stuff claims to have put to rest the theory known to many as the Butterfly Effect. The Butterfly Effect of course came to be recognized in pop culture after the run away summer blockbuster movie starring Ashton Kutcher hit theaters in 2004 which in turn lead to a public hysteria over the safety of the large winged insects. Soon after butterflies were put on a strict world wide endangered species list.
Professor Zimmerman describes the theory of the Butterfly Effect in layman’s terms, “It’s the idea that if one were to travel back through time and do so much as to just kill a butterfly it could potentially change the outcome of the future drastically.” For the past 30 years the Professor has worked tirelessly to unlock the secrets of time travel in order to put this theory to the test. Late last month he at long last found his answer and immediately put out a call for student volunteers to participate in his study.
LuLu Belle the Sea Cow Frolicing with her friend Puddles the Dolphin. Further proof that the world is just as it should be.
Sally Mackenzie was the first to answer the ad. “I was in desperate need for money and Prof. Zimmerman’s ad was offering $20 up front. So I figured I’d hold off a little longer on the stripping career and try this.”
Prof. Zimmerman declined to give any information on his time travel process and has Sally under a contract of confidentiality. However the Professor assured us that while in the past Sally was given a checklist of controlled tests to put into effect and upon her return has noticed no change in our present timeline. Although Sally is not contractually able to disclose anything about her time travel experience, Her five story house, olympic size backyard pool and the ferrari in her driveway lead us to believe that perhaps not all is quite the same since her timeless trip.
PARENTS SAY “YES” TO WEEKEND SLEEP OVER October 21, 2008
Posted by Chris in news, video games.Tags: assface, cheap wine, family, friends, halo, lucky, parents, school, sleepover, soccer, video games
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Eric and Thomas playing video games
Between school, soccer practice and family game night, kids these days aren’t spending nearly enough quality time with their friends. Kids like twelve year old Eric Baker. “At school we get in trouble if we try to visit with our friends during class,” explains Eric. “Then we get home from school and our parents expect us to do all these chores. It really eats up your spare time.”
Eric was stuck in this vicious cycle of school, chores, dinner, bedtime, just like hundreds of other kids across the country. That is of course until last week when he had an amazing idea. “My friend Thomas and I had been trying to get together and play Halo for some time. But our schedules were just too conflicting. Then I thought, what if I could convince my parents to let Tom stay the night?” And so the mission was underway.
The first task was to get the approval of the parents. Thomas asked his father first who was more than happy to agree. “It’s been probably two months since my wife and I have had a night alone,” exclaimed Thomas’ dad. “I’m gonna go get a cheap bottle of wine, see if I can’t get lucky.”
But there was still one more obstacle in the way. Eric knew that if he asked his dad there was a 90% chance that he would say no. So being the natural strategist that Eric is, he ask his mother instead. Unfortunately Eric had used this tactic in the past. It would seem his mother had grown wise to his plan as her immediate response was “Have you asked your father?”
Before he could contemplate the ramifications Eric responded “yes.” It was at that very moment that Eric’s father enter the room. “Ask me what?” “My heart literally froze,” Eric later confessed. “I was so sure I would be grounded for the rest of time.” Thomas who had been with Eric this whole time had begun to cry and ran screaming from the Baker’s home.
After the situation had been explained, Eric’s father responded “Eh sure, whatever. Go nuts.” Then promptly cracked open a beer and turned on the television. Afterward there was much celebration and excitement. Eric and Tom played their video games, ate snacks and enjoyed each others company until early Sunday morning when Eric called Thomas an “assface” and Thomas once again ran home crying.
BABY FINDS BIRTHDAY CAKE BEFORE PARTY October 15, 2008
Posted by Aaron in news.Tags: addiction, babies, birthday, cake, chocolate
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Chocolate Cake is Dakota's favorite. He had eaten about half the cake when the guests arrived for his party.
Tampa, FL - Dakota Matthews has been a lover of chocolate since the moment he was born.
“It was actually the first thing to enter his mouth after birth,” Dakota’s mother Tabitha Matthews said. “Right after he exited my body, he reached for one of those mini hershey bars next to my hospital bed. He shoved it in his mouth – there was nothing we could do to stop him!”
Tabitha feels horrible that he is already addicted to chocolate.
“Maybe it has something to do with the fact that chocolate was all that I craved during my pregnancy,” she said. “Who knows? But I know I couldn’t stop. Whatchamacallits, Rolos, Charleston Chew, even those chocolate Nicco wafters.”
Young Dakota was thrilled for his second birthday last Thursday evening. The family planned to have their immediate relatives and neighbors over to enjoy some of Tabitha’s famed “Triple Chocolate Fudge Brownie Cake,” which served 20.
“I set the cake down in front of him and left for just a moment to answer the door. When I came back into the room with his grandma, he had literally destroyed the cake and eaten about half of it!” Tabitha said. “The poor guy vomited on and off for about an hour after that. All the guests were too disgusted to stay and celebrate. He basically ruined his own party.”
RUPART HEARLDS WORLD PEACE, STOPS PLANS FOR CHENEY WORLD DOMINATION October 13, 2008
Posted by Lauren in news.Tags: cheney, deer, dick cheney, disney, disney moms, peace, rupart, shot in the face, tiggywinkles, tiny deer, UN, united nations, walt disney, wildlife, world peace
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UNITED NATIONS – Rupart, a tiny muntjac fawn, brings world peace after world leaders lay their eyes on the six-inch one pound wonder.
World peace. Thank Rupart.
“I have declared that this world can no longer harbor ill will in it after looking into Rupart’s tiny eyes,” said United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.
Cooing and awes erupted as they brought Rupart out so world leaders could see the reason they had to lay down their arms. Many members of the UN council crowded the podium to get a look at the young dear that was to shape the future of the world. Although, many accepted Rupart, questions of his paternity soon emerged.
Rupart’s mother’s accident is still being investigated, although evidence has pointed to a simple traffic accident. However, this public statement from a prominent Disney representative sheds a new light on the tragic death of the little deer’s mother.
“We knew this little wonder would bring about world peace, unfortunately we couldn’t wait for his mom to give birth,” said Walt Disney. “Like any Disney mom, she had to go.”
Before leaving Disney revealed their plans to release Bambi for the final time via an “Ultimate 8-disc Exclusive Blu-ray Gold Edition”.
The Tiggywinkles* Wildlife Hospital nurtured Rupart back to health. *(No, I couldn’t make that name up if I tried.)
The Tiny Prancer is pleased with his work...
“Although, it’s sad that Rupart’s mother could not revel in the joy that her son has brought about what man could not do,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “I will gladly destroy my hunting rifle not only for the betterment of the animal kingdom, but for the safety and peace of man.”
“Thank god,” said Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old Texas attorney Cheney shot while on a hunting trip in 2006.
And to create more good will Cheney decided to stop his plans for world domination.
THANK RUPART!” remarked the rest of the world.
GARDEN GNOMES THWART PANTY BANDIT October 13, 2008
Posted by Chris in news.Tags: burgler, ceramic, dwarves, elf, Elves, folk, Garden, Gnome, Lawn, little people, panties, Panty Bandit, theif, trolls
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Pee Wee Valley, KY – Dudley Abigale Higgens a.k.a. the Kentucky Panty Bandit, was apprehended by local authorities early Thursday morning after being discovered unconscious in the backyard garden of Mrs. Leslie Davis. The Davis’ cocker spaniel, Mercy, Alerted the family to the presence of Higgens when she came back in from her morning potty with a pair a Leslie’s unmentionables in her mouth. “I had heard mention of this “panty thief” possibly being in the area”, explained Mrs. Davis. “But I never could have imagined what I would find next.”
When let back outside, Mercy led the Davis’ to their garden where they found Higgens. Bound in gardening twine which had been staked to the ground and surrounded by the family’s collection of lawn gnomes. Perhaps even more peculiar, the underwear in which Mr. Higgens was attempting to make off with were all freshly pressed and neatly folded in a pile next to the would be thief.
“We really have no idea what to make of it all”, stated office Gary MacDonald. “It would appear that the little guys subdued Mr. Higgens and then preceded to do Mrs. Davis laundry for her. But that’s completely off the record. They’d throw me in the loony bin if I submitted that report to my superiors.” When approached for questioning, the lawn gnomes gave no comment. It would appear that their ceramic lips are sealed on this matter.
The Davis Family's Garden Gnomes
YOUNG MAN BRINGS NEIGHBOURHOOD TOGETHER WITH “ROCK” October 1, 2008
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Boulder, CO – In the events that followed an announcement that a local suburban street would be demolished in favour of a new freeway entrance, a young music enthusiast, Billy Everyteen, managed to band together the despondent residents in an inspiring show of unity to drive away the evil road construction corporation and save their homes – all with the immense power of rock ‘n roll.
Says Janeane Dincht, a long-term resident of Evergreen St, “We all knew Billy as this young, strange kid who used to sit in his parents’ garage and practise his guitar. We all thought he wouldn’t amount to anything, but somehow, his awesome riffs and velvety voice just inspired us to fight against the ‘man’, and in the end, we all managed to convince them not to take away our homes. It all seemed so bleak before, but that young man’s music just changed us all. It was so empowering. Long live rock ‘n roll!”
Says the CEO of Douchecorp, James Camillari, “It was the weirdest thing. At one point, I’m conducting business as usual, kicking people out of their homes to make way for freeways and parking lots, and the next thing I know, this kid points his guitar at me and hits me with some sort of lightning bolt, and I’m wearing torn-up jeans and my hair’s all sexy and messy. I think he even pierced my eyebrow. Now, all I can think about is restoring an old, abandoned building into a School of Rock for Orphans.”
While scientists around the world are still trying to unlock the mysteries of rock and its effects on evil and negativity, they can attest that it is indeed very powerful and very real. “We have conducted many experiments and the conclusion is always the same: this ‘rock and roll’ is indeed a very powerful force,” reports Prof. Hans McGruder. “We’re trying to see if we can use it to cure various diseases, like cancer, diabetes, and unattractiveness. So naturally, the events that transpired are of little surprise to us, but are inspiring nonetheless.”
When pushed for comment, Everyteen had very little to say, instead ‘throwing the horns’ and smiling before ‘laying down a sick riff’ for our news team.
FROGS ARE TASTY September 28, 2008
Posted by Chris in news.Tags: 1600s, beijing, china, citrus, dill, france, Frog, hop, juicy, kool-aid, leap, mandarin, orange, pickled, south, southern, sweet, tasty, tree, yokle
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For years the people of France have delighted upon the satisfyingly crunchy legs of these happy hopping amphibious critters while the rest of the world looked on in disgust. But, more and more, the rest of us are learning just how scrumptious our little bouncy friends can be as new, more delectable species are being discovered.
Mandarin Grove Tree Frog
Take for example the Mandarin Grove Tree Frog, a recently discovered long-kept secret in Beijing, China. “We didn’t want to endanger the species by exposing them to the rest of the world,” explained Ming Lee, whose family had been protecting the known existence of the Mandarin Frog since the early 1600s. Only a handful have ever existed in the wild. And with their very sweet citrus like flavor, much like the fruit from which they get their name, this species would have most certainly faced extinction if it had not been for the protection of the Lee family’s secret. However, in this modern world these tasty gems of creation will have the chance to be enjoyed by all. Advances in cloning will spawn thousands of these little guys to be consumed the world over.
Dill Pickled Frog
Another prime example is the Dill Pickled Frog made popular in the Southern U.S. when it was discovered that they could be pickled alive. “Heck! Dem country boys’ll eat anything that can be pickled in these parts,” exlcaimed Delmar Cooper of Abbeville, Mississippi, when asked about the new snacking trend. “Why they’d pickle and eat a stray cat if’n it weren’t so tough to get in the jar. Not like dem sugar tooth city folk and d’eir Kool-Aid pickles they be sellin’ at dem county fairs.”
PAUL NEWMAN “DIES” AT 83, BECOMES NEWMAN THE WHITE September 28, 2008
Posted by Jen in news.Tags: grey, hobbit, j.r.r., juice, lord of the rings, lotr, magic, newman's own, paul newman white dimentia eye, return of the king, tolkin, two towers, wizard
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Westport, CT – Paul Newman, veteran screen actor and co-creator of an array of delicious food products, had allegedly died in his home on Friday, September 27th, due to complications involving lung cancer. His passing was a great loss to his friends and family.
When things seemed at their bleakest, however, a number of people testified that they saw a dapper old gentleman in a pristine white suit appear out of a nearby forest, declaring that he was no longer Newman the Grey, but that he had come back as Newman the White. When pressed for further comment, Mr. White simply stated that he had come back to complete “a quest”.
Newman the White
Since the incident, police have been monitering Mr. White for any conspicuous activity, but could so far only report that “he was usually seen with three shorter folk, touring the Newman’s Own factory facilities and overlooking production quality.”
A large majority of people seem unconcerned with the possibility that this is not, in fact, Paul Newman reborn, and are instead rejoicing his return. Unfortunately, there is little to say on the subject at the moment, and although his goals remain cryptic, authorities are watching closely for any signs of dimentia, or evil, floating eyes that peer into our very souls.
ANIMALS BREAKOUT OF LOCAL PETTING ZOO September 26, 2008
Posted by Hodges in news.Tags: animals, fun, glee, happiness, joy, milf, petting, plush, poop, sexy, stuffed, zoo
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Hastings, MN - Residents today were surprised this morning when they awoke to find a plethora of animals usually native to parts of Africa and Asia littering their yards.
“The sound of my oldest daughter woke me up this morning,” says 17 year old mother of two Charlene Theroux. “This isn’t unusual coming from that little hellion, but I then notice other children in the neighborhood howling like banshees and knew something was up. That’s when I saw the tiger in my yard that was causing such a ruckus.”
Along with the tiger in Theroux’s backyard, 16 other animals had escaped from a local petting zoo including two alligators, a bear, and a cobra.
The animals belonged to local owner of the petting zoo and retired zoologist Kevin Geraldine.
Theroux holding one of the two alligators that escaped.
“I opened the petting zoo about six years ago so people would have a chance to touch and play with animals usually seen only on the boob tube. I’m still trying to figure out how the animals got out though as they tend to move around very little,” says Geraldine. “Never thought they had such a trek in them.”
Geraldine’s petting zoo is located about a mile outside of Hastings and is the only known petting zoo of its kind. The zoo features over 200 different species of plush animals and according to Geraldine, “Is growing everyday.”
By noon the breakout had been contained and all animals had been returned to their rightful cages. No one was mangled, mauled, or bitten and subsequently poisoned. An unidentified firefighter called to the scene said, “The only damage done by the loose animals was a couple of knocked over trash cans, an over-abundance of joy in a few children’s hearts, and lots and lots of poop.”
“With those kinds of animals, it could have been a lot more dangerous and I could have lost my baby,” says Theroux. “Imagine losing your four year old to a tiger. I’m just glad no one was hurt.”
